In The Depths
by Scifiroots
Summary: A Zoisite POV on some events of the first season.


In The Depths

By Karasu Mouri lionna@execpc.com

Content: Zoicite's POV, possibly considered angst-y, yaoi implications but nothing outright

Started & Completed: July 18, 2003   Edited: July 19, 2003

Standard disclaimers apply.

Like fish, we're bound to our environment for survival. Time has passed and we have evolved, legs and arms turned to fins, lungs to gills.  In open air, perhaps we can see farther, understand more of the world, open up to all the others out in the universe, but we can not breathe. The sun scorches our scales and the sand scrapes our bodies. Too much, too intense, we must return to the depths. 

To lessen the desire of the world, we swim deep below the surface, where only the dimmest of light shines and we hide out in our little caves, doing what we need to survive. We trust no one, not even ourselves, for it is the only way to live what little life we have. The only goal we strive for, the only _meaning_ for us, is survival. Survival, to come out on top, to be so favored that whoever wins will be surrounded by security – however false it might be.

The best must know when to swim with the group, and when to stand out, lead, strike, or kill. The best must be tempted by the Light far above and beyond their reach, and must beat that longing and return to the depths, all the more bitter and focused on survival – survival to serve our Mistress and stand by her when she strikes upon the land of Light with such great force that all life there will cease.

But what will come once this goal is achieved? We are no nearer to the Light that has so tempted us, _seduced_ us, during our long years beneath the reach of its gentle glow. Without the life of the land, there is no reason for the Light, and with no Light, there is no temptation. Survival becomes pointless… the reason for living evaporates so simply.

This hatred we harbor, which has been instilled in us by our Mistress, our Queen, carries us through life and survival, tempts us with what we cannot have, and then destroys any rewards we might have reaped from success. There is no meaning to The End that will eventually come. There's no allure or romance in our simple lives, created of nothingness, hate, and distrust. There is no meaning.

Thinking about all of these things leads us to an empty sort of despair that isn't so much sorrow as it is anger. Pure, undeniable, raging anger that twists the intestines, burns the chest, and clenches the throat. The release only comes when struggling through the trials for survival, but once that reward is claimed, the reality returns. It makes us realize that so much of our lives is just illusion. 

We float with the rest when these thoughts come. Numbly we stroke our way through the currents, instincts driving us on as what little there is to our dark souls wither and start to curl in on itself. A command will come, something routine, and away from the group we go. Closer to the Light, we are enchanted by its presence and our mind tricks us into believing that hope is possible, and for a moment we believe that we will be able to grasp that Light one day. Thus we follow commands, seek out to destroy those that would keep our faint dreams from us.

Yet we always return defeated, and the Light seems to fade in our mind's eye, even though it brightens for the victors of the Land. We long to go near it, but a barrier continues to stand before us. Even if we took that risky leap from sea to land, we would only claim bare moments of its joy before the torture would bore into our beings and we would die. 

But perhaps… if we could die in an instant. If in that one, spare moment we could feel the Light embrace us, breathe life into our hopeless souls, perhaps then it would be okay to deny survival and simply die. 

Nephrite was the only one to brave the punishment of the land, but he reached that Light. In a last-ditch effort of destroying my rival, all in the call of the code of survival which I have always abided by,  I could see his hold of a very special Light within his being. It wasn't the same sort of Light all of us in our kingdom look up at in jealous awe, it was something born from the Light, a soul-daughter, and perhaps more passionate and purer than what we try to reach. His Ending was brilliant, and as I saw his soul depart, it wasn't the decaying mass of ash that it had always been before. No, his soul radiated Life that I have never known any to have within these dark depths.

To have an Ending like that… is it worth it to leap from the safe clutches of these dark waters of survival? To free a soul, so barren and desolate that it resembles a burnt piece of paper better than anything else… is it worth it to lay upon sandy shores, helpless, and face Death in the eye? 

Commands come for me to follow and my duties call upon me to fulfill the requests – no, demands. Our Queen never makes requests. Away from the group I swim, at my side is another who is my soul-brother and more. Our barren hearts have found solace in each other's blackness when our bodies join in the most intimate of ways. But I do not trust him, and he does not trust me. There is emptiness, hate, and distrust in these realms and nothing more, there never can be. But together we work well and set up a delicate plan so well designed to capture guardians of the Light we long to be wrapped in.

We never win. Unless we strike against one of our own, we never have a hope of coming out victorious. What drives us, that illusionary hope of claiming the Light, drives us on our idiotic quests. Survival instincts push our bodies to their limits, asking for the impossible. My own hate ruins a well-laid trap but I feel no remorse. There is nothing to feel. 

My Queen summons my partner and I before her, but I do not see her. I can only see Nephrite's brilliant soul burning in my mind's eye. It's so beautiful, the Light his being had been clutching, and that Light had been absorbed into his soul, making it grow again. Would there be new life for him in the land of Light? I do not know, and I am not sure whether or not I like the idea of him living again. I only ever hated him, much like I hate others in this kingdom, but there was further animosity between us because of competition I never had engaged in with anyone else.

My Queen does not take a liking to my distracted thoughts and she wields her power in a deadly fashion. I find that I only stare at her, expressionless, as she releases her fury in a strike so deadly that I burn from the inside out. It's like acid, melting away my insides and deafening my ears to the screams that I know are mine. Because her vicious attack was so deadly, I cannot believe it when I feel my heart still beating sluggishly. 

My eyes slowly drag open. I have a desperate longing to see that Light we've all wanted to reach. I know I won't have the chance to ever attempt the impossibility again, and for once I am saddened. There's no longer hate or distrust, and even the emptiness has changed. Another body is beside mine, an arm carefully gripping around my chest as a hand – so cold, everything's so cold in our world – grasps my trembling fingers.

I feel my lips smiling although I don't feel as if I have complete control of my body. I realize I'm speaking softly, comforting the one whose body I've tasted for so long, but have never before really _felt_ anything for. I realize that no longer do I think of him just as a body – an object of lust that can satisfy my needs. Instead, the body has a face, and I want to curl around the dead soul I can see and urge it to live, somehow draw in some of the Light that Nephrite managed to obtain.

"Kunzite…" I breathe, focusing on his touch on my body, somewhat startled that he is there. Hate, distrust, emptiness… the only things in this kingdom, how can he hold me? "…there is… hope." I know it's true, it's just not the kind that we tend to struggle for. We will never achieve the Light by following the commands of our Mistress, I realize, and it's so important to tell him. 

I want to tell him so many things, all that I've thought about and what I now realize and understand so completely. I want him to know all of my revelations and go out to fulfill the things I now want to have done with my life. But my life has been nothing. In darkness I was delivered and in darkness I survived and it is in darkness that I shall End. I want to tell him so much.

But I can't.

Instead, I trail my tired eyes up to his face and find that he is looking at me with an expression I would think us incapable of. It makes me smile to see him thus, for in these last moments I realize that there is another hope I never knew of until now – and that is the one that I see in his heartfelt pain. My free hand reaches up to him and I rest my fingers near his lips. I still smile, so strangely _happy_, although I don't understand why I know what to label this emotion, I have never felt it before. I feel warm, the way I've always imagined the Light's embrace would feel.

"Kunzite…" I murmur, my eyelids drooping against my will. I do not struggle. I let the waves wash over me, feeling at peace in this nothingness that is utterly different than the darkness of our realm. Before I give up on the oxygen my gills have filtered for me my entire life, I attempt to reveal that my heart has loved without my knowledge. I don't know if it is vocalized, but I am at rest.

I can see Nephrite's shining soul before me, glowing as a beacon to lead the way down a path that he was led down before. I have no fear. I am free.

~Fin~

This baby wrote itself. "Papercut" by Linkin Park started to play on the CD mix that I popped in to listen to, and thinking about "underneath the surface" sort of deal made me recall the ocean. Zoicite, although I didn't know it was him at first, pulled me towards him and my fingers typed the words out, delving into the narrator's mind and applying a network of reasoning to the struggle of the Dark Kingdom and the Senshi. I'm rather fond of this idea, although I'm betting it was a sort of confusing read…


End file.
